I can’t sleep, so I’m writing this Daily Practice of Joy blog on the day before Thanksgiving. My favorite holiday. The only one not built around excessive consumption — well, other than food. The only holiday whose basis is gratitude.
I’ve been thinking about the connection between joy and gratitude. But recently another word kept cropping up. I found myself ruminating on the curious connection between Schadenfreude and gratitude. Then when I couldn’t sleep, I made the mistake of going on social media. . .and something clicked.
I’ve recently joined Bluesky, hoping it was better than other platforms. It probably is. . .but that might be like believing not being able to walk after twisting your ankle is better than not being able to walk after breaking your ankle. Either way, you can’t walk. Which is to say, I’m afraid all the time we’re spending on our screens is taking away from finding joy in the real blue sky above us!
Yes, there are pretty pictures on Bluesky, and a fair amount of positivity. But there’s also a little too much Schadenfreude for my comfort.
For those of you who might not know, Schadenfreude is a German word that describes the feeling of pleasure or joy that comes from witnessing another person's misfortune. The word combines the German word Schaden, which means damage or harm — with Freude, which means joy.
In other words, Schadenfreude is that guilty pleasure, in which we all indulge from time to time, of feeling joy when someone else is experiencing harm.
The Schadenfreude rampant on liberal social media right now is all prognostication: Here’s what the president-elect is promising, and here’s the negative effect it’s going to have on all the people who voted for him thinking he cares about them and their well-being. “Wait til they see how expensive things get when tariffs and deportations inflate the cost of goods!”
Now, before you start writing comments about your politic beliefs, please keep reading. This blog isn’t about politics. This is about taking advance pleasure inpotential harm to others as a means of alleviating one’s own anxiety.
That’s like watching a football player on your arch-rival team destroy his ACL — feeling happy about it because your team has a better chance of winning — and then feeling better about your own broken ankle as a result.
What the actual hell?
If the president-elect’s tariff’s and deportations are terrible for the economy, which is the gist of most of the Schadenfreude I see, it’s going to be terrible for every single one of us. Whether you voted for the president-elect or not. No amount of “I told you so” will make it better.
Does knowing that football player has it worse than you make not being able to walk yourself any less fun? No. It. Does. Not.
Schadenfreude is the binge-eating of emotions. Not only will you feel guilty later, but you’ll also feel fat or too full or nauseated. Were those ten ice cream bars worth that?
We all know that answer.
So, why am I writing about this? Because the impulse behind Schadenfreude is the whole reason we’ve landed up right where we are. Divided, distrustful, fearful, angry. But let me remind us all: The illusion of two divided parties in a divided American is the red herring that throws us off the truth that there is only one planet, and we all live on it. Together. If we can’t figure out how to live on it together, we’re all screwed.
So what does all this have to do with a daily practice of joy?
Everything.
When Brene Brown began doing research on the relationship between joy and gratitude, she was under the impression that if you felt joyful, you should be grateful. But what she found was that not one single person who described themselves as joyful did not actively practice gratitude.
In other words, Brown discovered, “practicing gratitude invites joy into our lives”.
I have found this to be 100% true. My daily practice of joy is impossible if I don’t have a daily practice of gratitude. In other words, gratitude is not just for Thanksgiving. Joy and gratitude walk hand in hand in practice every single day.
But how, you might ask, can we feel grateful, when we’re constantly being bombarded by bad news and division?
Well, one thing I know for sure is that Schadenfreude is not the answer. Joy in others’ misfortunes (actual or potential) is not joy. It’s anxiety in disguise
When we’re anxious, gratitude can feel impossible. But that’s precisely when gratitude and joy become non-negotiable.
A dear friend once told me that anxiety is ingratitude in advance. Think about it: When we’re anxious, it’s always about something that might happen. We’re expecting to feel ungrateful and then wondering why we do! How useless is that?
Schadenfreude dupes us into believing that we’ll feel better if others whom we blame for our anxiety have it worse. That’s like blaming the football player with the torn ACL for getting paid millions to be cared for by the best physical therapists on the planet, while you have to limp around on crutches with no one to help you with the laundry.
Are you getting it? Delicious as it may sometimes feel, Schadenfreude is a waste of time. Practicing gratitude and joy every single day is not. In fact, it’s imperative.
Am I happy that I have been up almost all night? Am I happy that I will be working all weekend? Am I happy that I have taken on too much as usual and I can’t quiet my mind enough to rest? No. I’m not. But when my dear friend Karen tells me about her chronic insomnia, I don’t think, “Well at least I’m not as bad off as she is. . .”
What I do is what I’m doing now.
I find something to be grateful for. In this case, the unexpected time to write this blog and a newsletter — two things that always make me feel grateful for all the wonderful people I have met in my life.
I could bitch and moan. I do bitch and moan. But then I hear my dad’s voice in my head saying, “Stop your bellyaching.” And I get back to practicing gratitude and joy.
Brene Brown believes, “It’s not joy that makes us grateful, it’s gratitude that makes us joyful.”
Indeed, I do feel decidedly more joyful at the end of this blog than I did when I was on Bluesky. And instead of being anxious in advance about how much work I have to do today on precious little sleep, I am filled with gratitude for all of you who are taking the time to share this joy-filled journey with me.
You are my cause for joy and gratitude every single day.
Thank you for taking the time to read this and to practice together.
HAPPY THANKSGIVING to you all!
